


An Eggemergency

by Airdanteine



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Under the Red Hood
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Eggs, M/M, Rimming, Tongues, Vibrator, platonic ass fisting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 11:48:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16701970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Airdanteine/pseuds/Airdanteine
Summary: It was embedded deep within Jason, surpassing an inner ring of muscles between the rectum and colon. A place not often reached without a large, long dildo, or a really big cock.Or through sheer desperation bourne from the throws of ass-virginal pleasure. That too.It's an egg-based Cinderella tale-Eggerella, if you will, of Jason getting a mystery birthday egg vibrator present stuck up his ass, and needing the right one to come on up and pull it out. Who out of Jason's bunch of vigilante friends succeeds? Who the heckin sent this eggin in the first place? Find out here baybeeeeee





	An Eggemergency

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> I cannot thank Askell enough for helping beta this fic, their feeback whipped this lame ass beginning into a somewhat substantially perky intro! I think. This is my first Tim/Jay fic! Enjoy :D

_Jason never dreamed of teaming up with Replacement in his entire re-life._

_But there he’d been, feeling the bony ribs of Replacement’s back against his, the warm heat between them a reprieve from the freezing night air. Goons had circled around them, shivering and shaking from more than autumnal chill. Rather, bone-deep fear. The kind associated with seeing both magnificent Robin and menacing Red Hood side-by side. Harbingers of life and death. It didn’t take long._

_The evidence of their united efforts now manifested in swarming uniformed figures below them, blaring reds and blues and scurrying of feet signifying victory. Jason breathed for the first time that night. They sat perched on a rooftop, and Jason knew the kid ought to have gone home to daddy a long time ago. Perhaps, wasn’t supposed to patrol tonight._

_If Replacement meant to find him, then he’d succeeded. He’d have also possibly died by Red Hood’s gun if not for the criminal interruption._

_This...team-up of theirs, however, changed things._

_The winds of Gotham November night stilled around them. An aura of silence pervaded-that was inevitable. Jason didn’t know what to say to Replacement. Replacement didn’t know what to say to Jason. They didn’t usually speak._

_“Look,” Replacement started, breaking silence. Only for it to return. The kid turned his face away from Jason, contemplating. Jason gripped his grapple gun._

_“I don’t know what to say to you,” Replacement continued, voice trembling, “I. We made a great team?” he phrased like a question. Understatement of the century. Jason felt like he should reply. Affirmation, denial, whatever. But the words were stuck._

_“Um,” the kid mumbled, twiddling thumbs for a few seconds before turning his body to completely face him. Jason felt himself go completely still. Replacement pressed his fingers beneath his tightly worn domino, working out the eyelash glue before peeling it off completely._

_Replacement looked **royal**._

_Jason jaw hung open for a few moment before snapping it back up, attempting to reinstate his pokerface._

_“Look,” Replacement repeated, brilliant, shockingly intelligent blue eyes trained on him. Jason’s domino-hidden eyes wandered over his skin, impossibly clear and turning pink under the stab of cold air. His tablet, an equivalent of a universal remote, lit his face with soft purples and blues. There was an undercurrent of confidence thrumming from him, the temporary kind that could dissipate any moment._

_“I’m not. I’m not...a Robin. Technically. Bruce didn’t hire me. I **found** Bruce,” and Jason’s head snapped up at that, reading the implication. _

_“Bru-Batman, was a mess after…” Replacement bit his lip, eyes searching the floor. “Batman was getting reckless. Very close to...I found out who he was when I was uh...8? I marched up to him, say I wanted the job. Batman needs a Robin,” Replacement looked into his eyes again as he spoke the last sentence, voice completely confident for the first time that night. Jason didn’t know what to say to that._

_“He didn’t want to give it to me,” and that was completely new news to Jason, the kind that sat uncomfortably at the base of his tongue._

_“But I pushed through. And he said okay. Just once. You have to understand...Jason,” his name rolled off of Replacement’s tongue, and the kid looked unsure if he should have said that. Jason just shivered._

_“I’m not a Robin. I’m just...temporary. Here for just a while. Filling the role until...I don’t know. I’m not replacing you, okay?” and Replacement’s voice raised at that, defensive, before curling back in._

_“I never meant to replace you, Jason. I’m just here for a while,” Replacement finished, voice quiet. Jason blinked for a bit, before turning his head to look at the scene below. The words were stuck. They pushed beneath his epiglottis, pressing against the walls of his trachea, begging to be released. Jason’s head pounded as his eyes searched the buildings around him, noting ever climbable nook and cranny. Easy to access._

_No. Replacement didn’t deserve that. Not after...Jason needed to say something. Be a man. Get the words unstuck._

_“That,” Jason grunted, before casting his head aside in a frustrated snarl. This was hard for him. Jason’s hood was off, but the domino remained. Jason worked it off, peeling it to a side and faced Replacement, who had gasped, if only for a moment. Yeah. Jason expected that. He’s had some ugly scarring from...yeah. Jason cleared his throat._

_“That isn’t true,” Jason continued, “I don’t see you that way.”_

_“...What do you mean?” Replacement’s voice broke midway, and Jason couldn’t decide if that was emotion or puberty._

_“I don’t think. I don’t think you’re a placeholder. I think...I think you’re a Replacement,” Jason spoke, heaving the words through gritted teeth. Silence ensued-Jason could hear the gears turn in that brilliant mind._

_“Oh,” Replacement whispered, voice beautifully faint. Jason saw colour grow on those pale cheeks as Replacement turned his head to a side, shy._

_Well, if there was at least one thing Jason took away from this, was that Replacement was pretty damn cute.  
_

~

So. It’s not like he’s done this before.

Jason took a deep breath. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. He repeated a few times, feeling his lungs press against and shrink within his ribs, his muscles relaxing, It’s okay. He’s okay. These things happen. First times always flop one way or another. He could get through this. He could get it out.

Jason pressed a finger at his hole-and of course the ring of muscles was closing up after two microseconds of not being touched, the tight fucker-and worked into in, coaxing his walls to go deeper, get wider. He shifted to lay on his side for deeper access, pressing further and further in, only truly fingering or scissoring himself to go deeper. A third finger in, and the tip of his fingernail finally pressed against a round silicone object.

It was embedded deep within him, surpassing an inner ring of muscles between the rectum and colon. A place not often reached without a large, long dildo, or a really big cock. 

Or through sheer desperation bourne from the throws of ass-virginal pleasure. That too. 

It was all really simple, really. Jason came home that night to an open roof window and a precisely wrapped gift box on his craft table. Jason had shook in anger, conducted hundreds and thousands of checks, scored every inch of his “house” while considering the very real possibility that he’d have to kiss his favourite warehouse goodbye. But fortunately, Jason was spared the grief, as he picked up the gift box to reveal a batarang neatly placed underneath.

After rounds of cursing and unnecessary desk-kicking, he finally accepted the scenario. It was a few days before his birthday. This was a bit inevitable, even if he and the batfam weren’t the closest. Though, ironically enough, that was an overstatement. He was the closest he’s been since pre-Lazarus, pre-Joker. Maybe the batfam noticed Jason’s reconciliation with Replacement, and thus, this was his reward.

And what a reward it was. Jason had sliced through the gift-wrapping with the batarang to pull out a rather ominous black cardboard box, very nostalgically reminiscent of black plastic bags and cardboard boxes used to pack alcohol, drugs, things you didn’t want to be seen by public purview. Jason very eagerly opened the box at that point-alcohol gifting may be very Bruce, and maybe Jason didn’t want to accept a gift from him yet, but alcohol was fucking alcohol. So he’d made some clean cuts through the scotch tape and popped it open to reveal…

An egg. 

That silicone white ellipsoid of pleasure that now rested within his ass was sitting pretty pristinely in glossy plastic packaging, a remote with various setting nested to the side. With the image of Bruce having lantently lingered on his mind and his child-like excitement receding within him, Jason nearly buckled-this was either B’s final breakdown, or misguided dadness.

Jason suspected neither-rather, some serious tomfoolery. Roy immediately came to mind-but the redheaded fool wouldn’t hide behind a batarang. Dick was a close contender, but they weren’t close that way. Dick would send a gag gift to a good friend, _has_ before, but he knew the human octopus would rather show up and squeeze him to a second death than send a random ass sex toy. Steph, perhaps, but again, she’d rather show up-and wouldn’t really send a gift _before_ his birthday. That kind of earliness was a very Brucian thing to do. 

And Jason didn’t know Replacement that well, other than the curves of his cute perky ass Jason caught from time to time, and...that one instance. They’d done more chasing and fighting than talking, so sending a sex toy would certainly be...out of the blue.

The mysterious origin of the toy definitely didn’t stop Jason though, no sir. 

Jason had cut the egg and remote out of the cages of plastic, felt how the soft squishy exterior pressed against its harder mechanical core. He checked the remote for batteries and turned it on, and the way it thrummed in his hand, the vibrations sharpening with every upward flick of the switch...

It was so hard-god, _so hard_ to push the egg in. First he’d thought he could just push it in, and that caused a kind of white-hot searing pain he’d never wanted to experience out of knife-fights. But he’d just pressed the egg at his entrance turned on the lower setting, and let the sensation ripple through him in tides of pleasure as he more and more desperately worked his tight, never-been-fingered-before ass open with friction and saliva, pushed the egg in, and had a fucking ball. The ever-present tenseness of his body dissipated, his cock jerked up the the vibrations, getting hotter and harder and spilling with precum as he pushed that egg up, up, _up_ into his prostate to cum harder than he’d ever before.

And now, it was stuck.

Jason scratched at the soft frictionless silicone, fingernails too short to hook it in, and egg to deep to pull it out.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Jason whine-grunted, taking his fingers out to flop to a side. He re-adjusted to lay on his back-and that was a mistake, for his inner walls readjusted with the movement, causing the egg to shift and ghost at his prostate.

Jason _moaned_. Then facepalmed.

People go to hospitals with coke bottles and cucumbers stuck up their asses. An egg-shaped sex toy certainly wasn’t that unusual. In fact, it made more sense! It’s a sex toy. It belongs in butts.

Did it belong in _his_ butt though? That deep? Absolutely fucking not. This was not Jason’s _jam_. Figuratively and literally. He did not stick things up his butthole. He’s never had a cock in it-god knows how his partners ever got him in, even with lube, and the sheer panic rising within and tensing his core was. Not. Helping.

A sudden thought shot through his brain-Jason’s hand tightened on the remote, ensuring it was still with him. A killswitch to his immediate pleasure that could be in anyone’s hands. This. Needed. To get the hell out of him.

Well, if he couldn’t get it out, someone had to.

~

“Can I get this straight,” Steph spoke, eyes and voice all professional and serious. Both Jason and Stephanie had a moment of silence, bodies stilled as they stared at each other, contemplating he scenario. That was, until Stephanie broke into a shit-eating grin. 

“Geddit? Straight. Cause there’s nothing straight about this~” Steph sang as she poked Jason in the shoulder. 

“Yes, wonderful. Very insightful,” Jason grunted, taking a swig of his complementary beer. This was the only movement he was making and planned to make while safely seated-his journey from his warehouse, riding his thrumming motorbike (that he never realised was a continuous pleasure he enjoyed at the back of his mind, nevermind being able to vibrate the egg ever so slightly within him) to Stephanie’s apartment was most...em. Hard to conceal.

“This is so gay, Jason,” Steph’s eyes twinkled with pride, and Jason understood that as a happiness Jason was willing to confide in her. About the egg. The gay was never a secret between them, Two Gays.

“Yes. very gay. Much wow,” a vein twitched at Jason’s temple as he thumbed his aching head. 

“Don’t meme at me young sir. You’re asking for my help,” Steph spoke, crossing her arms and smiling smugly, the fuckhead.

“I,” and Jason had to pause there, gain his composure, “am aware. Steph. Please,” Jason’s face contorted in half-desperation, half-pokerface. He needed some dignity from this. Any dignity. Even if it meant having his ass up in the air while his best batfriend digged an egg out of his butt.

“Okay, yeah,” Steph spoke, sounding confident. She took a steph forward, looking at Jason expectantly. 

Jason stared at Steph, realising that he now needed to um. Present his ass. As awkwardness began to build between them, Jason set down his beer and slowly placed his knees on the couch, slightly avoiding Steph’s eyes. Steph herself started to look a little uneasy, arms wavering, hands gesturing it what Jason would deem ‘hesitantly grabby hands.’

Jason got on his hands and knees, and hooked his sweatpants under the curve of his ass. The egg responded to gravity, pressing further into himself.

“Uh. Do you. Do you have lube,” Steph asked, slowly shuffling closer. 

“I. Don’t,” Jason spoke, a little ashamed. For a gay top, he sure was dependant on his bottoms to actually get the dick in.

“Yeah uh okay,” Steph spoke hurriedly before dashing off somewhere, presumably to get lube. Jason just knelt there, ass up in the cold air. For a few moments, he contemplated life. He heard Steph shuffle back, feet stopping for a few seconds, then resuming again.

“Okay I’m back,” Steph spoke, her voice now far from confident.

“I guessed,” Jason replied, his own voice far from sassy.

“Okay. Yeah,” Steph spoke, then uncapped the lube bottle. Sounds of plastic clicking open and liquid squeezing through the open echoed through the apartment. Jason just trained his eyes on the sheets.

Wet lube touched his ass. Jason clenched his eyes shut. 

“I. No. I can’t do this,” Steph stepphed back, and Jason whipped his head up to see her frantically waving her hands, 

“WHY,” Jason asked, voice raised and tone flat, emoting a level of flabbergasted I-don’t-need-this-shit-right-now. 

“Jason, you don’t understand. I have a girlfriend,” Steph deadpanned, but the panic in her voice was more than evident. Frustrating curled within his aching skull. 

“I’m sure Cass wouldn’t mind!” Jason yelled, body shooting right up to point a finger at Steph. Steph took a steph back, wary.

“Cass, I mean, yeah, but. But. But-”

“YES. BUT. MY BUTT. BEING TORTURED. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME,” Jason’s voice wavered between absolute anger and intense desperation. The fucking egg shifted with every shake of his finger, getting him as horny as he was angry.

“WELL MAYBE I’M JUST TOO GAY JASON!” Steph threw her hands up, now equally angry.

“FINE! WE CAN ALL BE A BUNCH OF STUPID GAYS!” Jason exploded, pulled his pants up, grabbed his beer, and walked out the door.

~

Jason’s next choice wasn’t necessarily the Golden Boy.

But Roy was miles away in Star City, and Jason didn’t really want to experiment with the effects of air pressure and continuous sitting on the flight there. So here Jason was, at Dickie’s window.

Watching Dickie get pegged hard by Barbara.

Jason had rappelled down to their balcony the moment Barb entered-watched Dickie’s eyes roll back and lips purse into a perfect ‘o’. Now Jason was a gentleman-sometimes-but Jason was also very hard. Very. Hard. 

So Jason switched the remote on to the lowest setting, watched strong, determined Barbara pound the living hell out of Dick’s perfectly round ass. Jason inevitably pulled his cock out, jerked himself off near the railings, and came in spurts through the bars, watching his cum drip to the depths below.

Jason hoped that would pass for bird droppings. A lot of bird droppings.

Jason recovered and whipped around to face the glass doors between the balcony and the room, praying to the underground gods he’d had yet to be discovered. To his luck, Barbara was busy cleaning up, while Dick slowly rose from the bed, limbs lethargic and eyes clearly unfocused, even from a distance. 

Dick pulled on sweatpants and walked to the balcony doors. Jason quickly swung off to the outer side of the railing, crab-walking across the bars to reach the wall, and scurried up to the balcony above. Jason watched Dick walk into his view, only for a particular gust of wind to rush at the half-naked moron, causing him to take a step back and curl into himself.

“Fuck, it’s cold,” Dick spoke through chattering teeth, clutching his elbows. Jason rolled his eyes.

“Yeah,” Barbara shouted from a distance, sounding amused, and that sure was a sound Jason missed for a long, long time. 

Jason clenched his eyes shut. Yeah. His egg problem could be addressed later, or by someone else. There was no need to interrupt any of this, or explain embarrassing circumstances to an estranged brother and a long lost idol. 

Jason opened his eyes to Dick turning around to walk back in, and almost immediately catching the hooded figure looming above.

“Fuck,” Jason thought, watching Dick’s pupils widen in recognition.

“Jason!” Dick screamed, jaw slack with shock.

“Jason???” Barbara shouted, scurrying to purview. Shock of red hair appeared before him, and Jason watched Barbara’s face screw into her trademark look of Mom was Wondering Where You Were and Now Is Angry. Her fur lined red nightgown didn’t help.

“I uh,” Jason started, voice faltering. “I saw nothing.”

“Sure,” Barbara deadpanned.

“Wha-” Dick stuttered, flabbergasted.

“Jason, are you alright?” Barbara asked, and honestly that was too kind a statement, especially this being the first time Barbara’s physically met Jason post-resurrection. Shame flushed Jason’s cheeks.

“I’m. Uhhhh,” Jason trailed, looking between Barbara and Dick, realising there was no goddamn way he was going to ask them to dig into his ass for a sex toy. Nevermind while rewatching his mental sex tape of Barbara going to town on Dick.

“Jason, is there something wrong?” Dick spoke, eyebrows still knitted in confusion, but arms wide in invitation. 

“Uh,” Jason shouted Jason wracked his brain for possible responses. Make up a story? “I have a problem in Blud can you help,” or “I need to hack a bank, help,” or. Or maybe allude to it. “So, you have a strap-on. I have an egg-”

“Soooooooo, youknowhowyouhaveastrap-on?” Jason blurted, then frantically scratched the back of his helmet.

“What? You’re mumbling, speak louder!” Barbara asked, voice raising as she crossed her arms. Jason heaved, heartbeat quickening to the tapping of her feet.

“I. SO, YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE A STRAP-ON??” Jason shouted, slowing his pace as to enunciate every word. He then immediately clasped the area where his mouth would be, shut.

“I,” Barbara doubled over, attempting to contain her laughter. Dick’s eyes just trailed away into a thousand-yard stare. 

“Yes. I do know how I have a strap-on,” Barbara smirked, and winked at Dick. Dick just glared at her, and Jason, then slowly scuffled behind her to press against the fur-part of her gown. 

“WELL,” Jason continued to shout, feeling embarrassment crawl beneath every inch of his skin. He took a deep breath. There was no turning back now. Breath in, breath out. He clenched his eyes, clenching his fist as he summoned every bit of courage left in his body. He just had to get it out. 

“I HAVE AN EGG!!!” Jason screamed, shaking an arm in fury.

The blowing winds stilled. Crickets chirped. Dick blinked. Barbara’s face contorted into a scrunched smile.

The echo of a click pierced through the air as balcony doors behind him lit up with bright yellow light.

“OKAYNEVERMINDCATCHYOU LATER BYEEEEEE!!!” Jason garbled as he slipped off the balcony and into the night, Barbara cackling and a gruff elderly woman’s complaining echoing behind.

~

Much was a blur after-he’d recently corralled a small fake pharmaceutical outfit in The Narrows that largely laundered large batches of heroin from Seattle to Gotham’s opioid-enslaved slums. That was a tough trade route, maybe even a stupid one, considering Gotham’s own ripe, corrupt shores, but trust maniacal businessmen to hire entire private plane bases to do exactly that. 

As such, this acquisition had Jason equipped to fly a private jet safely-well. He was _safe_ , just. While rising into the atmosphere didn’t alter the egg within him in anyway, having his sense of hearing dulled by blocked ears intensified the sensation of the vibrating egg within him-and yes, Jason had to put the plane on autopilot every once in a while to dial up the remote and jack off into the toilet. It’s hard being half hard all the damn time.

Anyway, thanks to his expansion, Jason was able to fly into Star City and to Roy’s door. As Jason knocked on the peeling wood, he understood that to travel this kind of distance for a stuck sex toy, his level of insanity wasn’t too far off said businessmen’s.

The door slowly creaked open, and two very wide green eyes greeted him with owlish blinks. 

Roy was an looney toon of a human being, one that moved like a tornado, acted like an Animaniac, and loved like an apocalyptic firestorm. Jason was immediately wrung into the house by his jacket, and pressed against the wall in a deep hug, all while murmuring nonsensical self-reassurances.

“Roy. We met like, last month,” Jay scolded, but wrapped his arms around the other all the same. 

“Yeah,” Roy rose from the hug, only to grip him by his ribs and scan him from head to toe. Yeah. Death may have been hundreds of times harder on Jason, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t hard on everyone else, and Jason was still coming to terms with that. 

After prodding Jason at several soft spots (Jason nearly jerked when poked at his lower gut-his cock inevitably rose with interest, sore against the rub of his boxer-briefs), Roy deemed the situation a non-emergency, which was a shame, for now Jason had to explicitly state the actual emergency. Roy rooted around his fridge, throwing him a beer (“I’ve only got this artisanal peach stuff, it’s what Kori likes. Sorry my man,” Roy had absently spoken while Jason sputtered) while Roy himself filled a glass with tap water-and that just filled Jason up with immense pride. Jason didn’t need to guess twice-the apartment itself was spotless, and a clean apartment meant a clean Roy.

“It’s only this clean cause Kori’s off,” Roy had mumbled when Jason teased the spotlessness of his countertop.

“Where is she?”

“Some outer space mission thingy with the Green Lanterns. She’s coming back tonight actually, if we’re staying here long enough for that,” Roy spoke, staring at him expectantly. The ‘we’ was intentional-no-one would only fly this far out for a social call. Their meetings, when not in a team, was during missions. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t keep you from your girl,” Jason winked, and Roy’s cheeks flushed as he dopily smiled. D’aww. Roy truly was in love. But the question still hung between them. Why the hell was he here.

“Look, Roytoy,” Jason started, and Roy immediately squared his shoulders, standing straight to attention. The man was expecting a mission brief-and oh, Jason was about to disappoint. Jason explained, his gruff voice turning quieter and less comprehensible as he approached the subject of stuck eggs.

“That. That fucking sucks dude,” Roy’s face was scrunched in sympathy, displaying not a tinge of awkwardness, and Jason could kiss him. Of course Roy would understand, that’s why he’d flown all the way here in the first place. Roy was wild, Roy was reasonable in the most befuddling of times. Roy was built for this.

“I does, dude. Look,” Jason started, taking in a deep breath to compel courage within. “I’ve got an egg in me. I need you to get it out.”

“Yeah, just like old times,” Roy winked, then frowned in confusion. “Well, now the other way round.”

“Yeah,” Jason felt himself blush, then looked at Roy expectantly. 

“Couch?” Roy grinned sheepishly.

“Yeah,” Jason ambled over, and slipped his jeans under his ass, trying very hard to not look at who Jason once called, his Faerie Prince. Roy sort of hovered as Jason pulled his socks off, and damn, Jason never considered how damn awkward sex could be without all the kissing and heavy petting. Jason got his knees on the couch, and heard a bottle of lube snap open.

Cold slick touched his asshole as Jason placed his hands on a couch arm, and Jason tried very hard not to turn and look at Roy. Roy rubbed and circled his hole, and the pressure and wetness felt more than wonderful. 

“Fuck, you’re tight, Jay,” Roy mumbled, and Jason’s ears perked up at the lust beneath his voice.

“Mmph,” Jason grunted, clunching the couch arm. Roy finally worked in his thumb, and his asshole immediately clamped around the digit, the walls within pressing hard against the intrusion. Jason tried to remind himself that this was purely friendly. Nothing sexual.

“Oh my god, you’re so _tight_. So fucking hot inside,” Roy’s dirty talk always had Jason so hot, and Jason found himself backing up against Roy’s hand, slowly fucking himself on it. Roy matched him, pushing his thumb as far as he could, pulling back ever so slowly, before thrusting it in again. Roy continued that agonising rhythm, and Jason felt himself relax to it. 

How did they never do this before? Being fingered with the egg sitting pretty far within him was satisfyingly _filling_. Jason was beginning to love feeling filled up, the burn of his hole around Roy’s thumb, the sliding sensation of the digit within him. Jason found himself arching his back, rising to meet Roy’s lips. Roy responded with a slow, languid, sloppy kiss, the kind that had Jason wanting to eat Roy’s mouth out. 

Though, should he be?

“Oh god _no_ ,” Roy backed up on the other end of the couch, faster than Jason could blink. Jason nearly whined at the loss before regaining his senses, realising his jeans and boxer-briefs were down to his ankle, and was absently palming himself. Jason immediately wrenched his jeans up to an acceptable height, and looked pleadingly at Roy, who was scrambling to the edge of the sofa like his life depended on it.

“Roy, I...” Jason fell silent, not knowing how to come back from this. His egg problem was clearly not as big as the glaring issue between them.

“I didn’t want to-I mean. I-I-I didn’t mean to-” Roy stammered, hands gesturing wildly.

“I know. I know man,” Jason sighed, ambling over to Roy to hold him by the shoulders. 

“Can we,” Jason spoke, pausing for a moment to gather courage. “Let’s just forget about that. We can...we can still do this without uh. Doing that,” Jason finished, but by the look on Roy’s face, that was not something Roy was particularly concerned about, at that moment. 

 

“I don’t think we can,” Roy practically whispered, curling into himself.

“Roy, you didn’t cheat,” Jason assured, trying to quell a burning irritation beneath. He didn’t fly all the way out here for this, and he wasn’t going home still egg-stuffed thanks to a mistake. “No one doubts you love Kori, Kori doesn’t doubt you love her.”

“I know. I just don’t. I didn’t want it to go this way, you know,” Roy absently palmed his elbow, and perhaps it was the irrational but undeniable feeling of rejection, or the desperation to get the damn egg out, but something within Jason snapped. 

“Of course it was gonna go this way, you moron!” Jason thundered, jolting Roy to complete attention. “Hell you even fuckin’ said this was gonna be ‘Just Like Old Times’.” Jason felt a thundering anger curl in his gut. 

“I was _joking_ ,” Roy’s voice raised, frustration seeping into his tone.

“Joking??? We’re talking about fisting me, Roy! Jamming your whole fucking hand in to get a fucking slippery-ass egg out!” Roy’s pale, freckled cheeks flushed an intense shade of red. 

“Jason-”

“And of course, everybody’s fuckin’ hitched!” Jason rambled, feeling himself foam at the corners of his mouth. “Everybody I can trust to _fist my ass_ got a fuckin’ bf or gf or what-the-fuck-”

“Ja-”

“I CAN’T GO TO A DOCTOR, ROY! I’M LEGALLY _DEAD_.”

“I’M SURE DR. LESLIE WOULDN’T MIND-”

“DEAR GOD _NO_.”

“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, JAY???”

“NOTHING! CAN’T WE JUST DO SOME PLATONIC ASS FISTING???”

“NO! WE CAN’T! WE COULDN’T!” Roy shouted, voice intensely troubled. Jason immediately snapped shut, then felt a burning sense of shame overwhelm him completely. Watching Roy’s pupils dilate and eyes search aimlessly for anything else to look at but himself, Jason felt the utter shame for his selfishness settle into his bones.

“I JUST,” Roy paused to clear his throat, face easing off its tomato red shade. “I think we went too far. I went too far. And I don’t think this’ll end the way we want to,” Roy spoke, his eyes finally meeting Jason’s. 

“Yeah. Fuck, I’m sorry Roy. I didn’t mean to...I’m sorry,” Jason hung his head in shame.

“It’s okay, I get it. You flew all the way out here to-actually, to be honest, that was kinda sweet,” the genuine smile on Roy’s face, however small, was worth it.

“Yeah. I mean. Who else am I gonna trust to-”

“Yeah. Yeah, I get it,” Roy sheepishly sighed as they both settled into the couch in silent reconciliation.

~

_A pretty Indian woman looked at him dead in the eyes, expression blank as a Bruce._

_“Hello?” Jason croaked, voice hoarse. She was in what he’d call “prissy Business Major attire,” but replacing the boring black with tasteful brown. She looked up and down at him before pulling out an Amazon box out of thin air. Jason could barely make out the words “Jeff Bezos x Elon Musk” graffitied on a side in purple marker._

_“Baaa!!” She spoke-well, bleated at him, and Jason’s attention snapped right back at her, not quite sure if he heard that right. Her eyes then slowly turned from gorgeous deep brown human eyes to gorgeous deep brown goat eyes right before him. Jason stared at the pupils squash and stretch, the movement synced to the wavy environment._

_“BAA!!!” She bleat-screamed, catching Jason off-guard--he staggered back, wholly afraid. She scuffed her heels on the ground like an impatient goat--which is what she was, wasn’t it? A fucking goat--but when his eyes flicked to his heels did he see a 1-inch wide crack in the ground between them. Jason placed a tentative toe towards the crack, and before him words erupted from the ground, as if being actively carved by ghosts. On the woman’s side wrote “Canada,” and on his side, “United States.”_

_“Baa,” She calmly spoke, staring at at him. Unblinking_

_“...B-baa?” Jason whispered, an eye-twitching._

_“Baaa,” She rolled her eyes, before turning around. She looked to her left. She looked to her right. Her face darted side to side, squinting. Slowly but surely, she lowered into a crouched and placed the box on the ground, pushing it quietly over the crack towards him._

_Jason followed her movements, careful to be slow despite the lack of anyone else around them, and picked up the Amazon box. He slowly peeled the tape, parted the cardboard folds, and reached for within. He pulled it out._

_Shiny foil. White and Orange. An item so dangerous, so forbidden to even gun-touting America._

_It was a Kinder Egg._

~

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Jason screamed, jolting from the couch at such force that the wooden floorboards beneath creaked. He panted, the vision of a goat lady and kinder eggs floated before him.

“You okay dude???” Roy scrambled to him, grabbing him by the shoulders to hold him still. Jason unscrambled his surroundings to find himself still in Roy’s apartment.

“I’m still here???” Jason asked, voice breaking.

“Yeah dude, you passed out like. Right after.”

“Constant half-hardness and frequent ejaculation would tire you appropriately, yes?” a familiar lilting voice spoke by his side, and Jason turned his head to register a very inquisitive Kori, still in uniform. Kori touched ground, her flaming hair twapping behind her as she reached out to boop Jason on the nose. Jason blinked.

It was obvious enough to know Kori knew the whole story, given how she was winking at both him and Roy, who looked like the dictionary definition of bashful.

“It’s unfortunate that I wasn’t here for this ‘ass fisting,’ Jason, or we might have gotten it out on our first try,” Kori spoke as she walked to the dining room table. Jason’s head spun with the implication, and Roy imitated Dick’s thousand yard stare.

“I. I’m sorry Kori,” Jason mumbled as he scratched his head, hanging onto the last remaining vestiges of monogamy in this apartment.

“Do not be!” Kori threw her hands up, smiling widely. “Roy’s recollection was most ‘hot’.”

“Kori,” Roy whisper-whined, embarrassed.

“Well, it is still troubling situation, Jason,” Kori turned back around to reach her trajectory at the table, whatever it was. “If you stay with us for the night, I’m sure we could find a way to get it out. But first!” Kori exclaimed, picking something up and spinning around to face the duo.

In her hands, laid a gigantic egg.

“We shall feast! This was some pageant-winning egg I was gifted for saving the At-tayir! It is such a coincidence, is it not?” It was as tall as her torso, wide and fat, and Jason’s head began to ping pong a thousand different directions, including reminding itself of the ever filling presence of the much smaller egg in his ass-

“NO!!!” Jason screamed, arms flailing and eyes wide. As the white hot intensity within him settled, he saw Roy and Kori stare at him like he’d lost his marbles. He HAD lost his marbles.

“I. I AM GOING,” Jason shouted, tone unsure as he wobbled up on his feet.

“Are you sure, Jason? Roy makes the most scrumptious scrambled-”

“Kori-”

“I AM SURE,” Jason shouted, shouting to block his raging thoughts and sheer embarrassment. He picked up his things and ran for the hills.

~

Here’s the thing. Jason was out of options.

The thought of Bruce fingering him was a shamefully really fucking hot thought that equally disgusted him, so that was out. Cass would probably force him to go to Leslie, and that was not going to happen. Damian was absolutely not possible. Alfred? Would absolutely do it without question, but would scar Jason in the process. No.

And thus, hatched an insane plan.

“I have something that needs to be done,” Jason grumbled, the Red Hood helmet garbling his voice to output a menacing, bowel-moving tone. Rope-bound, eyes-wide, the mook he captured looked at him with fearful eyes. 

As he should! Jason was the Red Hood. Jason tied him up. Jason put the fear of god in him (a bullet in his inner thigh, very close to some jewels) and now the mook shivered at him, probably bleeding out on Gotham’s rubble-ridden alleyway. But Jason didn’t really need a bleeding boy. Jason needed a helpful boy. One that he needed to fish a certain something out.

“You see how that bullet’s in you, man???” Jason asked, finger furiously pointing at his wound. The mook shook his head vigorously.

“That. That is how I feel. _Inside_. Relatively there,” Jason pointed at his own guts, and the mook shook his head, less vigorously and more in confusion.

“It’s in me, man. IT’S IN ME. NOBODY WANTS TO GET IT OUT,” Jason shook his arms, waving his guns wantonly. “NOBODY’S GOT THE FUCKIN GUTS TO DIG INTO MY GUTS SO LOOKS LIKE, YOU’RE GONNA DO IT!” Jason shifted right into the mook’s personal space, pointing both guns in ferocious grandstanding.

They both looked at each other. The mook looked one-third confused, two-thirds scared for his damn life. Whatever. This guy gets to finger-fuck the Red Hood, Jason thought, as he holstered one gun to reach for his buckle. 

A jolt of pure pleasure shot through his insides.

Jason doubled over, collapsing onto his back as he moaned from the convulsions within his ass. The remote. The egg was activated at his highest setting, vibrating right at his prostate. 

Jason groaned as he jammed his hands into his pockets, desperately searching for the remote, but his pockets turned up empty. Fear surged through him-he double-checked, triple-checked his pockets, secret-lined spaces, hidden gun-holsters, but the damn plastic piece was missing. Jason dragged his gloved hands across the ground, desperately searching for where it may have fallen out, his quickened panicked movements only intensifying the vibrations within, but no avail. Through the involuntary fluttering of his eyelids did he noticed the mook was long gone. 

Paranoia pervaded him. The guy was one of Roman’s. Jason fucked with Roman _real_ bad the last time they danced. The mook would give it to Roman and Roman would have the absolute killswitch to Jason’s immobility, moreso his pleasure, and that sick BDSM masked black skulled fuck would take great-no, _magnanimous_ delight in confining Jason to constant, agonising, never-ending bodily convulsions until he’d dehydrated and died-

“Red Hood!” a firm voice pierced through his sensory haze. Jason felt the rough, tar road poke into his back, and he blinked awake-to see Replacement, out of all people, staring down at him. 

“I’m so sorry!” the kid gestured wildly, and Jason took the next few moments to check his body-the vibrations had stopped, but his ass still felt phantom buzzing within. He still had his hands, arms, legs, torso, back, head, the nether regions-and at that, Jason squirmed slightly, feeling the slick stickiness of his cum against his boxer-briefs.

“I’m good,” Jason croaked, then sat up on his elbows to get a better look at Replacement. The kid clutched onto the shirt of the mook on one end, and held the remote in another. 

Jason sighed in relief. Then immediately sat up straight.

“ _You_ ,” Jason started, and felt an immediate curdling fire ignite within him.

“Wait,” the shivering _child_ before him raised his arms in surrender, and Jason responded by jetting his body forward, arm clamouring wildly to grab at Replacement-but the sudden movement was too much for his dizzy state. Jason felt his eyes roll backwards as he thumped back on the ground.

~

A soft, pale stream of light fell hot upon his cheek, and Jason blinked awake to witness the break of dawn. 

This was the softest awakening he’d been afforded post-Lazarus. He felt the silken touch of 1000-thread count blankets cradle his body, and the softest pillows dress his head. 

Jason knew exactly where he was.  
The interiors were unmistakable-the tall Gothic arches at the roof of the room framing skinny windows and dark oakwood panels and bookshelves. 

The Wayne Manor. Jason never felt a more burning need to trail his fingertips across the grainy texture of the bedside bookshelf and call it home. 

This wasn’t his grandiose bookshelf Bruce constructed for him by hand, no. In fact the whole layout of the room was entirely unfamiliar, and the books within this miniature book collection were “Anatomy 101” and “Journal of Forensic Sciences,” completely devoid of literary classics, and the patron goddess of love, authenticity and unshakable confidence herself, Jane Austen. 

If Jason was perfectly honest with himself, he didn’t think this would be the way he’d first end up in Replacement’s room. 

Speaketh the name, the devil arrives, for the doorknob turned to reveal a sleepy, slightly frazzled Replacement, carrying a tray of food into the room. 

Omelette-stuffed croissant. Jason’s mouth watered.

“Don’t worry. I didn’t tell anyone,” the kid spoke as he handed Jason the tray. As he bit into the deliciously light, fluffy, buttery bread and spicy-savoury omelette, Jason registered that as bullshit. Not of Replacement lying, Jason was sure he didn’t tell a soul, but of no one knowing that he was here. Croissants was his weakness, and Al knew it.

Replacement sat on the edge of the bed and flipped open a textbook as Jason consumed in silence. There was something vulnerable about eating in front of the enemy, or at least someone you didn’t trust, and Jason appreciated Replacement showing Jason his back. In retrospect, Jason truly didn’t know this kid. He was close enough to be family, but Jason was still picking up the pieces, sketching a grisaille based on every habit Replacement let slip.

Once Jason was done, he audibly set the tray on the bedside table, and Replacement immediately shut his textbook to look at Jason.

“You need to get that thing out, Jason,” Replacement stated, and there it was-Jason shivered in the way the kid spoke his name, almost foreign to his tongue. Jason stared at him, and the kid stared right back with such intensely intelligent eyes that Jason decided it wasn’t worth asking how he knew. Or had known, recalling the events of...last night? This early morning? The panic and rush of this whole situation had Jason’s brain completely scrambled.

“Yeah well,” Jason sighed, “that hasn’t been going well.”

“Is it stuck?” Replacement spoke with such clinical directness that sounded less strategic and more commanding out of battle. Jason gulped.

“Yeah,” Jason softly replied, and dug his heels into the sheets.

“Damn. Have you-”

“I’ve tried everything, _Replacement_. The damn thing ain’t getting out,” Jason sneered. Internally, however, the vocalisation of his internal feers had Jason’s stomach drop. Perhaps...life was going to be like this. Forever. 

Replacement stared at him, eyes holding steady for one moment, only to look away the next. Jason frowned slightly, unable to read him.

“Do you want me to try?” the kid softly spoke, warm blue eyes boring into him with compassion and understanding. Jason felt his hands go slack on the sheets, frankly shocked. And a little turned on.

I mean, what did he have left to lose?

“Yeah,” Jason whispered. A look of surprise on Replacement’s face came as fast as it went. They looked at each, and Jason was well practiced enough with this Who-Goes-First song and dance from the past day. He turned around to get on his hands and knees, very appreciative of the mattress beneath. 

“No,” Replacement spoke as Jason thumbed his waistband, and Jason stilled.

“We need gravity on our side. On your knees, lay against the wall,” the kid practically commanded, and Jason blushed as he followed, placing his chest to the mantle of the bed. Jason felt Replacement enter his space, then drop to Jason’s waist.

Confused, Jason turned around to see Replacement’s mouth hovering around his ass, fingers delicately pulling his sweatpants and boxer-briefs to his knees.

“The hell are you doing, Replacement?” Jason asked, tone more breathy than angry.

“I don’t have lube,” the kid spoke, a cute blush spreading across his porcelain white face. He lightly pinched Jason’s cheeks, and spread them open.

“And my name is Tim,” he spoke as he slowly, languidly licked across Jason’s hole. 

Jason _moaned_. Uncontrollably so. The surprise of the sheer _pleasure_ of it took Jason completely by surprise. He’d never felt more out of control in his life. With every lick did he jolt and shiver, groaning throatily, feeling Tim alternate between pressing that wonderfully textured tongue on him and rubbed a thumb at his hole, willing the ring of muscles to relent. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Tim half-mumbled, half-moaned as he pushed into his hole, only to slip the slightest sliver of his digit in.

“You’re fucking _tight_ , Jason,” Tim sounded breathier by the minute, placing his clean hand on the small of Jason’s back to steady him.

“Yeah,” Jason breathed, eyes closed to better feel the sensation of Tim’s slight, small fingers working his hole open. “That’s the damn problem.”

“Yeah? We’ll make that an unproblem,” Tim pressed his mouth back to Jason’s hole, pressing long licks that drew longer groans from Jason, and faster flicks of the tip of his tongue that had Jason clawing the drywall. Tim tried his thumb again, and it finally slipped in, slowly working in to the digit’s hilt. The sensation was much different to Roy’s thicker, manlier hands-Tim’s was to slim, so slight, it felt like a fairy’s hands at work, pressing and rubbing as if he had magic at the tips of his hands.

Jason inevitably leaned into Tim, throwing his head back and perking his ass up to allow easier reach. Tim pressed closer himself, switching his thumb for the smoller but longer middle finger, slowly thrusting it into Jason. It’s further than anyone’s ever gone, and Jason slowly rolled his hips to the hilt of Tim’s finger, synching the snap of his hips to Tim’s quickening rhythm. Tim licked around his hole as he did so, and whenever Jason peeked behind his shoulder, he could see Tim’s eyes locked onto him, lips to ass, staring right at him.

Tim paused finger-fucking Jason to slide his finger out-only dive back in with his mouth, tongue probing his hole. Jason _screamed_. If tongue at his rim reduced his senses to rubble, then tongue within him entirely melted his ability to function. Jason closed his eyes as Tim tongue-fucked him, enjoying the inexplicable sensation-until Tim withdrew again. 

“Tim,” Jason properly whined this time, rolling his ass out to show Tim what required his immediate attention. 

“I know, baby,” Tim whispered, and Jason felt Tim rise up and press against his back as he slid two fingers in. Jason clenched around the new addition, slowing the rolling of his hips to accommodate the increased girth, if only for a moment before picking back his pace. Jason felt himself relax around the digits, placing his palms flat against the wall to better push himself onto Tim.

“Good boy,” Tim whispered, and Jason practically keened to his voice. Jason continued to fuck himself, rolling and snapping his hips at his own pace as Tim slipped a third finger in, then the fourth, Tim’s fingers ghosting the egg within. For a moment, panic gripped Jason-they were running into the same problem of being deep enough to touch it, but not enough to grab and pull it out. That was, until Tim completely pressed themselves against the wall, finger-fucking Jason loose a few times before slipping his whole hand in.

“Fuck, fuck yeah,” Jason groaned, pushing himself onto Tim’s wrist. Tim worked his way in, careful not to push the egg further back as he pressed the backs of his fingers against the walls, coaxing it open. 

The egg slipped out and dropped into Tim’s hand. Jason felt _released_.

Jason felt Tim’s hand slip out with the egg, ambling over to set it on the bedside table. Jason waited patiently, feeling cool air brush against his bare ass. Jason then noted how he was still almost fully clothed, except for his jacket that laid folded on a chair.

Seconds passed. Jason turned to look at Tim. Tim just stared back, shyly kneeling behind him. Tim was so obviously hard, face flushed to the ears and jeans tenting.

“Well?” Jason asked, clenching his toes as he adjusted his position to present his ass.

“Jason, maybe we shouldn’t-” Tim looked like he was curling in, and no, Jason was having _none_ of that.

“Motherfucker. You’re hard as balls, I know you want this,” Jason cursed, whipping around to face Tim. 

“Ja-”

“ _I. Want. You,_ ” Jason seethed, glaring daggers at the kid. Tim’s face held a momentary look of I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Do, before relaxing into resolution. The kid slowly made his way to him, then placed both hands on Jason’s hips. Jason rolled his hips into Tim’s, causing the kid to moan and press his forehead into Jason’s back-and the size difference became oh so apparent, the way the top of Tim’s head only reached beneath his shoulders. 

“You gonna do something, Tim?” Jason spoke, and Tim practically _shivered_ , digging his fingers into Jason’s hip. 

“Yeah,” Tim breathed, then grabbed Jason’s shirt and pulled it off. Tim’s fingers wandered the expanse of his back, those dainty fairy fingers brushing ever so lightly across his sensitive spots. Grunting, Jason let a hand slip to grab Tim by the ass, pressing them together, another reaching to unbutton Tim’s jeans and pull down his briefs. A warm, solid length greeted him, slightly wet from pre-cum. 

Then those fucking magic hands reached forward to palm his cock, and Jason lost his _mind_.

“Put it in,” Jason desperately groaned, pressing his ass onto Tim. “Put it in and jack me off.”

“Wait, wait,” Tim shuddered, hands wandering from his Adonis belt to grasping wildly at his thighs, the back of it, tracing it, slipping _between_ them.

“Motherfuckingmagichands-Tim, just fuck me!”

“Turn around!” Tim commanded, and Jason whipped around, grabbing Tim by his ass and cock and stared right into his eyes, face to face.

“Lie down,” Tim spoke, backing up to let Jason lie on the bed. Tim stripped his shirt and shucked his jeans off, pulling the pooling remains of Jason’s sweatpants with it. He ambled between Jason’s legs, then grabbed Jason by the thighs.

“These are fucking amazing, you know that???” Tim squeezed his thighs, then slapped and pinched an inner thigh. Jason blushed _hard_ , toes curling at the rough treatment. Jason didn’t think he’d ever heard Tim curse before. Tim bent down to lick his hole, giving Jason one last tongue-fueled shudder, before rising back up, pulling Jason’s thighs to him, and pushing in. 

Jason’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. His first cock. Tim pushed to his hilt, and Jason was filled like never before. 

Tim pulled back, then thrusted, hips smacking against Jason’s ass as he built up a rhythm-and this was how Jason knew the kid was a bit inexperienced, having to shift around to get a better thrusting angle-but all was forgiven as Tim grabbed his calves tight and banged into him, hot and fast, the sheer friction of it all driving Jason absolutely insane. While Tim’s face looked absolutely wrecked, Jason could see his pupils track every miniscule movement in Jason’s expression, practically deducing his way to thrusting right into Jason’s prostate. Jason _screamed_.

“I’m not gonna last, babe,” Tim whined, and Jason was very much fine with that-his cock throbbed for release. Tim pulled Jason’s legs apart to trail a hand down his thigh, and grasped his cock.

“Yes, yes,” Jason groaned, pupils blowing out as those fucking wonderful fingers pumped up and down his length. Groaning from both the pleasure on his cock and within, Jason hooked his legs behind Tim to bring him further in. Tim bottomed out completely, moaning, making deeper rolling grinds into Jason’s ass, repeatedly pressing and prodding his prostate. Jason’s body _arched_ , clutching the sheets for mercy. 

“Fuck! You’re so fucking pretty, Jason!” Tim moaned, and Jason just _flushed_ , heart inexplicably beating faster. Tim shot his free hand out to grab him by the jaw, and kiss him. 

Tim’s lips were _small_. Fucking delicious to press up against, to lick and bite and suck. Jason groaned against them, feeling the coil in his gut snap free.

Hot spurts of cum filled him within, as Tim pumped Jason’s cock to completion.  
~

“So,” Steph smirked at Jason, eyebrows wiggling. 

“How are you?” Dick enacted his classic Golden Boy grin, then winked.

“Any updates?” Roy lazily smiled through Steph’s tablet screen, then made gun hands. Jason laid back on the rooftop cement, and rolled his eyes.

“It’s out, okay,” Jason sighed, fully aware that these bozos knew that. They’d all followed up on each other on Jason’s odd behaviour, and with the noise they created while Dick was visiting in the manor, well. The three superheroes had put their noggins together and worked it out.

“Timmy’s really been glowing, by the way,” Dick grinned, and Steph and Roy simultaneously oohed and aaahed, and. Yeah. Jason smiled as he stared into the night sky, the full moon glowing bright. When Jason came back, he hadn’t for one moment expected any kind of development in his love life. And there he was. There _they_ were.

As long as it didn’t involve anymore _fucking_ eggs.

~  
_  
“I’m sorry,” Tim had breathed, curling into Jason in the afterglow._

_“What. Why?” Jason tipped Tim’s head up to look him in the eye. Tim blushed, avoiding Jason’s scrutiny for a moment, before looking back._

_“Happy Birthday?” Tim phrased it more like a question, and Jason felt his face fall. Tim squirmed under his gaze._

_“I. What the fuck. Why???” Jason looked through the list of suspects in his brain, one he’d completely forgotten in his great flurry to get the fucking egg out of him, and mentally burned the damn thing._

_“Robin. Egg,” Tim reasoned, looking into Jason’s eyes as if expecting mutual understand. Jason felt some understanding. But not all of it._

_“You sent me a sex toy for my birthday???”_

_“Yeah,” Tim shyly looked up at him. “I mean. I didn’t think it would get stuck-”_

_“Tim, you sent me. A sex toy.”_

_“Look, I just. Saw it while shopping pre-Cyber Monday, okay? I. I thought of that in you, and uh,” Tim’s eyes trailed away, clearly imagining something graphic. “Well my brain exploded.”_

_Jason stared at Tim. Tim stared back._

_“There’s a lot of layers to that,” Jason spoke, blinking._

_“Yep,” Tim stated, and that was that. To think Replacement had hungered after him, perhaps the same way Jason did with Tim...that was something to unravel another time._

_“Magic hands?” Tim asked a few moments after, coyly smiling._

_“Yeah,” Jason had simply breathed, then leaned into Tim for a chaste kiss._

_“By the way,” Jason pulled back to face Tim, stroking his jaw. “Was this your first time or somethin’?”_

_“Uh. Uh. Well-”_

_“Tim.”_

_“That’s not pertinent-”_

_“It’s very pertinent if I know I popped your cherry by making you pull an egg out of me.”_

_“That’s fine. I mean-It’s not. It is-”_

_“Is it or is it not?” Jason toyed with Tim, slightly smirking to remind that he was just teasing._

_“Look. Well-”_

_“Cause this was my first time bottoming,” Jason’s tone was flat, but he hoped Tim picked up the latent satisfaction. Tim eyed him with a flatter expression, clearly unsurprised. His expression did however screw into something more bashful._

_“Was it. Was it good?” Tim asked, voice shy. Jason grinned._

_“Top 3.”_

_“Top 3?!” Tim exclaimed, more than surprised._

_“Fuck it. Top 1. Best sex of my life,” Jason grinned as he watched Tim glow under the validation, then pulled him into a kiss._

__

**Author's Note:**

> Winnie, I cannot tell you enough how you have helped and inspired me in so many damn ways. This is my gift to you. Don't let your editor brain ruin the experience. Shhh. Shhhhh. It's okay. There's a hundred misuses of the dash. There's a mix of both British spelling and American punctuation. Shhhhhhhh. Carry on.


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